When your partner is struggling with anxiety, sometimes it’s tempting to tell them to “just snap out of it.” The joyful, vibrant person you started dating suddenly becomes reserved, jumpy, timid, or inflexible. It’s harder to enjoy the things you once did together and conversations may start to veer toward the negative more often. Future plans that were once exciting and intriguing suddenly just fill them with worry or even dread.
Especially if you’re a man, it may be hard to empathize with your partner’s anxiety. You may have been taught to suppress feelings of fear and show a brave face to the world. Resist the temptation to tell your partner to just push past the anxiety or get over it. You risk making them feel worse and doing permanent damage to your relationship. Instead, support your partner by connecting them to resources, understanding their condition, and encouraging good self care. Here’s how:
1. Help them Access Care and Resources
When someone is struggling with anxiety, one of the hardest things to do can be to reach out and ask for help. Providers may not take them seriously enough, may act impatient with them, or may misunderstand their situation. If they struggle with social anxiety, low self-esteem, or other barriers to healthy self-image, it can be even worse. They might feel guilty, uncomfortable, awkward, or ashamed about simply picking up the phone.
To support your partner with anxiety, help them research the right care providers or mental health rehab centers. Call and schedule their appointments, speak to their insurance providers, and assist with other admin tasks wherever possible. While picking up the phone may seem like no big deal to you, to them, it can be like scaling Everest. This can be especially true if your partner struggles with other mental health conditions, like executive dysfunction, autism, or ADHD.
One caveat though: unless you think your partner is a danger to themself or others, don’t force them to get treatment they don’t want. Try also not to foist your opinion on them about what kind of provider or who specifically they should see. Let them advocate for themselves, while gently encouraging them and enabling them to reach out for the support they need. Be their safe space and their launching pad, helping them access resources, without micromanaging or controlling.
2. Educate Yourself
One of the best ways you can support your partner is to make them feel truly heard and understood. And one of the very best ways to do this is to develop a deep understanding of their condition. The better your awareness of their condition and symptoms, the better equipped you are to handle problems when they come up. Plus, the more you know about their illness, the less likely you are to inadvertently hurt their feelings with insensitive statements.
For example, your partner’s anxiety may lead them to experience major mood shifts or even lash out at you during times of distress. If you understand why it’s happening, and that it isn’t about you, it’ll be easier to stay calm and hold space for their feelings. On the other hand, if you interpret their symptoms as purposeful choices or personality traits, you’ll just wind up blaming and shaming them. You might also take things more personally and end up feeling hurt.
To offer even deeper support, you could go a step further and learn about treatment modalities for their condition. For example, you could learn cognitive behavioral therapy techniques for dealing with anxiety. In a difficult moment, you might be able to remind your partner of a specific exercise they found helpful in the past. You could talk them through it, helping them become more effective at managing their symptoms and negative emotions.
3. Be Their Health Role Model
Overwhelming amounts of research have confirmed the role of diet, sleep, and exercise in supporting good mental health. However, when a person struggles with anxiety, it’s not always easy or even possible to stay on top of good habits. For example, anxiety can cause serious difficulty sleeping, or significant increases or decreases in appetite. It can keep someone from going to the gym or participating in the kinds of activities they’d normally do.
One way to show support, and even improve their symptoms, is to help out with health-related tasks, like shopping and cooking. If your partner has anxiety about grocery shopping, you can go to the store for them (or do an online order). You can stock the house with healthy snacks, so they make better choices even if they’re prone to anxious binging. You can also buy soothing comfort foods and drinks like oatmeal or chamomile tea.
If anxiety prevents your partner from exercising, you could invite them on walks or bike rides, or offer to be their gym buddy. You could drive them to the gym, do exercises together, and/or take a class that appeals to both of you. You could also accompany them along to new activities that scare them a little, like kayaking or snowboarding. Just don’t force the issue, as you could accidentally make them feel more uncomfortable, nervous, or guilty.
Setting Good Boundaries
In order to be the best possible resource to your partner, you have to take care of yourself. That means sticking to your regular routines and activities, except in case of emergency. Take time for yourself when you need it, rather than spending all your time supporting your partner. Encourage them to build a stable support network of friends, family, and care providers, so the burden isn’t all on you. Plus, your partner will gain more perspectives and more sources of love and care.